Jumping out of the airplane...
I was not sure if my parachute was going to open. I was unsure how far I had to fall before I would hit the ground. I didn't know anything for sure..yet here I was I was taking that leap.
I was jumping out of the airplane. That really is the only way I could describe the days, weeks and months after the divorce. I would have given anything to change the way things ended. I am not going to place blame but, trust me, I put up with so much. I took those vows so serious. I had envisioned our lives after all five kids moved out on their own. I could picture us traveling, cuddling to watch a movie, playing with our grandkids, enjoying the life we had created. Yet, none of that was ever going to happen. I had to close the chapter. After thirteen years together, there was no more us. It was now just me and my youngest son. Through the tears my son, Devin, told me the sweetest thing ever. Devin was only 14 at the time. This was the only dad he ever remembered living with. He was probably the most hurt by the divorce, He told me we would be okay. He told me that he would take over. He would be the man of the house. He told me that he was the only man I would ever need in my life. Through the time that has passed, he has stuck to those words. There have been times I have completely felt I was failing at this single mom thing. I felt like I was letting Devin down. I felt like I was losing control. I needed a parachute. I am blessed that my kids and grandkids have been there. They gave me strength I didn't know I had. I was falling apart. I couldn't eat without it coming back up. I had no energy. I lost 45 pounds. I was no longer myself.
The day my husband asked for the divorce, my daughter signed the papers to give her newborn up for adoption. This did not catch me by surprise since I played a role in that. My daughter told me she did not think she could financially take care of another child. She was already struggling to take care of the daughter she had. I even had the pleasure of picking the adoptive parents. I had known a lady, Beth, from a military support group I belonged to. Beth and Mike had struggled with infertility and were delighted to take the baby. Still, it couldn't have happened at a worse time. Here I was..losing my husband and now losing my granddaughter. I wondered how far I had to fall before hitting the ground.
Just two months later we got another devastating blow. My stepfather, who had been ill for several months, passed away. He had been losing strength daily so we were not shocked but that did not stop the sadness. In three short months I lost my husband, my granddaughter and now the man that had raised me. That was the final blow. I could not possibly be there for everyone else when I was spiraling out of control. My life, the lives of my children, were turned upside down and inside out. Nothing that we knew was the same anymore. Nothing would ever be the same again. Life, as we knew it, was definitely over. My son and I soon moved in with my oldest daughter. I needed to cling to family and my daughter needed help also. It was a win win situation for us all. By no means does that mean it was/is easy. I was still adjusting to being a single mother. I was still adjusting to not having my dad there. Things were slowly getting easier though. I jumped out of that airplane, into the unknown and had survived. Above and beyond all though, Devin was okay. That was all that mattered to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, he/we, still have our bad days, our break downs, but we were surviving and that was all I could ask for
I was jumping out of the airplane. That really is the only way I could describe the days, weeks and months after the divorce. I would have given anything to change the way things ended. I am not going to place blame but, trust me, I put up with so much. I took those vows so serious. I had envisioned our lives after all five kids moved out on their own. I could picture us traveling, cuddling to watch a movie, playing with our grandkids, enjoying the life we had created. Yet, none of that was ever going to happen. I had to close the chapter. After thirteen years together, there was no more us. It was now just me and my youngest son. Through the tears my son, Devin, told me the sweetest thing ever. Devin was only 14 at the time. This was the only dad he ever remembered living with. He was probably the most hurt by the divorce, He told me we would be okay. He told me that he would take over. He would be the man of the house. He told me that he was the only man I would ever need in my life. Through the time that has passed, he has stuck to those words. There have been times I have completely felt I was failing at this single mom thing. I felt like I was letting Devin down. I felt like I was losing control. I needed a parachute. I am blessed that my kids and grandkids have been there. They gave me strength I didn't know I had. I was falling apart. I couldn't eat without it coming back up. I had no energy. I lost 45 pounds. I was no longer myself.
The day my husband asked for the divorce, my daughter signed the papers to give her newborn up for adoption. This did not catch me by surprise since I played a role in that. My daughter told me she did not think she could financially take care of another child. She was already struggling to take care of the daughter she had. I even had the pleasure of picking the adoptive parents. I had known a lady, Beth, from a military support group I belonged to. Beth and Mike had struggled with infertility and were delighted to take the baby. Still, it couldn't have happened at a worse time. Here I was..losing my husband and now losing my granddaughter. I wondered how far I had to fall before hitting the ground.
Just two months later we got another devastating blow. My stepfather, who had been ill for several months, passed away. He had been losing strength daily so we were not shocked but that did not stop the sadness. In three short months I lost my husband, my granddaughter and now the man that had raised me. That was the final blow. I could not possibly be there for everyone else when I was spiraling out of control. My life, the lives of my children, were turned upside down and inside out. Nothing that we knew was the same anymore. Nothing would ever be the same again. Life, as we knew it, was definitely over. My son and I soon moved in with my oldest daughter. I needed to cling to family and my daughter needed help also. It was a win win situation for us all. By no means does that mean it was/is easy. I was still adjusting to being a single mother. I was still adjusting to not having my dad there. Things were slowly getting easier though. I jumped out of that airplane, into the unknown and had survived. Above and beyond all though, Devin was okay. That was all that mattered to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, he/we, still have our bad days, our break downs, but we were surviving and that was all I could ask for
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