Maybe it's just me
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am just destined to be alone. I just don't know anymore.
I have been seeing James for fourteen months. He used to be my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my closest ally. Lately though, things have just taken an extreme turn for the worst.
He has had issues opening up. I understand that completely. I really, truly do understand. I am willing to work through that. His past has made him that way. Hell, my past has changed the way I view relationships BUT I am that hopeless romantic that still believes in everlasting love. I am convinced that we can make this work but things have to change.
Because of issues in his past, he does not kiss. That one took me a while to get over but I did. After a year he was finally able to say he loves me. Wait, let me rephrase that. He was finally able to text those words. He still cannot say them out loud. I think in time that will change but I don't know.
We have been arguing for the past week because he doesn't understand that I don't feel my needs are being met. It's been a constant struggle. I love him so maybe I should just accept the way things are right now. Maybe I am asking to much. I tried to explain that I need affection. I need to be held. I need to feel loved. He seems to think that just having sex is enough. For me, that just will not work. I can't enjoy sex if I don't feel my other needs are being met. When I laid all of this out to him he turned it all around and blamed it on me. He said he would be affectionate if I acted right. Honestly, I don't even know what that means. I find it hard to believe he we wouldn't just leave me if I hadn't acted right in over a year.
I sat here, alone and crying, trying to figure out how I could change things. The only thing I see is that he wants me to shut up and put up.
Still, I want this to work. I love him and want to work things out. I just feel like I am the only one compromising anything. One thing that he told me, that I can't get out of my head is -
He is right to a certain extent. We were great friends before we started dating. Yes, I knew how he was from a friends standpoint. I had no way of knowing how he was from a dating standpoint.
He is the master of making me feel guilty. I fall for it hook, line and sinker...every damn time. I simply cannot help it. I know the shitty things that have happened in his past relationships. I know how badly it hurts to have your heartbroken. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want him to hurt. I want him to be happy. I really do. I feel awful that I cannot make or keep him happy. I wish I could fix it but I can't because my needs aren't being met.
I worry that this is going to end very ugly. I know about him peeking through my blinds at night. He just had to make sure I was where I said I was, and doing what I said I was doing. He has admitted standing outside my door to listen to conversations. He has this irrational fear that I am always lying or cheating. He has gone through my phone after I fall asleep. He even called my daughters boyfriend, and screamed at him, thinking he was some guy I was messing with.
I am at the point where I don't know how to fix this mess. A part of me just wants to walk away but another part believes he can change. Then, of course, a part of me is afraid of what will happen if I decide to end things. Our relationship is either wonderful or horrible. There is no in between
There is so much more to this but somethings are just best left unsaid.
At this point, I feel the only smart thing I have done is refusing to move in together.
I have been seeing James for fourteen months. He used to be my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my closest ally. Lately though, things have just taken an extreme turn for the worst.
He has had issues opening up. I understand that completely. I really, truly do understand. I am willing to work through that. His past has made him that way. Hell, my past has changed the way I view relationships BUT I am that hopeless romantic that still believes in everlasting love. I am convinced that we can make this work but things have to change.
Because of issues in his past, he does not kiss. That one took me a while to get over but I did. After a year he was finally able to say he loves me. Wait, let me rephrase that. He was finally able to text those words. He still cannot say them out loud. I think in time that will change but I don't know.
We have been arguing for the past week because he doesn't understand that I don't feel my needs are being met. It's been a constant struggle. I love him so maybe I should just accept the way things are right now. Maybe I am asking to much. I tried to explain that I need affection. I need to be held. I need to feel loved. He seems to think that just having sex is enough. For me, that just will not work. I can't enjoy sex if I don't feel my other needs are being met. When I laid all of this out to him he turned it all around and blamed it on me. He said he would be affectionate if I acted right. Honestly, I don't even know what that means. I find it hard to believe he we wouldn't just leave me if I hadn't acted right in over a year.
I sat here, alone and crying, trying to figure out how I could change things. The only thing I see is that he wants me to shut up and put up.
Still, I want this to work. I love him and want to work things out. I just feel like I am the only one compromising anything. One thing that he told me, that I can't get out of my head is -
You knew who I was when we met. You knew how I was before we started dating. You tried it. You liked it. You tried to walk away before. You couldn't do it. You have told me all your deep, dark secrets. You can't walk away now.
He is right to a certain extent. We were great friends before we started dating. Yes, I knew how he was from a friends standpoint. I had no way of knowing how he was from a dating standpoint.
He is the master of making me feel guilty. I fall for it hook, line and sinker...every damn time. I simply cannot help it. I know the shitty things that have happened in his past relationships. I know how badly it hurts to have your heartbroken. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want him to hurt. I want him to be happy. I really do. I feel awful that I cannot make or keep him happy. I wish I could fix it but I can't because my needs aren't being met.
I worry that this is going to end very ugly. I know about him peeking through my blinds at night. He just had to make sure I was where I said I was, and doing what I said I was doing. He has admitted standing outside my door to listen to conversations. He has this irrational fear that I am always lying or cheating. He has gone through my phone after I fall asleep. He even called my daughters boyfriend, and screamed at him, thinking he was some guy I was messing with.
I am at the point where I don't know how to fix this mess. A part of me just wants to walk away but another part believes he can change. Then, of course, a part of me is afraid of what will happen if I decide to end things. Our relationship is either wonderful or horrible. There is no in between
There is so much more to this but somethings are just best left unsaid.
At this point, I feel the only smart thing I have done is refusing to move in together.
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